interesting times
dear friend
I have been thinking a great deal about you and the story that you told me about lost love. At the time I had nothing much to say, I was overwhelmed. It does go around in my mind as I fit it into my understanding of you and of myself, there are many resonances with my own life. And we never forget our first love.This thought has been mixed with my understanding of chinese culture and the flashes of insight I have regularly when talking with you. These conversations and insights strike at the heart of love: love lost; love denied; love unrequieted and love realised. It is my feeling, no more, that a 'western' cultural background gives more of a chance for dealing with these issues than the culture you describe in China. There are large amounts of literature - romantic, academic, prosaic - and music that are cultural foundations for concepts like"it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all""the first time I saw your face""I can't get used to losing you"The last in this list is one of the most difficult. This can be a lament, a statement of fact and sometimes a celebration of a great thing, a high point in a life. This form of celebration is typically obseved in men who have been to war as young men and for whom the wartime experince stays with them all their lives as one of the brightest and most vividly remembered of times. Sometimes - as in the case of my mothers father, this adds to their personality, in other cases -like my father - it causes problems. Problems that seem to be related to denial and violence. Make no mistake, western culture understands the connection between carnality and death. There is the italian expression describing orgasm that translates as 'the little death' when anyone can become lost in the moment of life. On the other hand there is a similar description of a sneeze, where the emphasis is on total loss of control. Some people combine both and it is not uncommon to sneeze, maybe several times after orgasm. I am one of those. I am going down side tracks, time to return to the high road.I was a little surprised by your claims to be so rational and controlled that you cannot cry when you think that you should. You are certainly not alone there, a huge portion of humanity is tormented by this. There are many reasons personal history, expectation and the need for privacy among them. Grieving is a complex thing, easily as complex as depression and as about as well understood. What I am trying to say (I have just realised) is that I see as warm and emotional person as I have ever seen when I look at you, a person who is able to to simply issues through ratiocrination and who then realises that something has been lost but since it is not something that losses all meta-information when explained as a rational process. This re-inforces the feeling of being separate as most people just never get this stuff or never worry about it. For people who are smart like we are, we 'live in interesting times' and it can be hard work, so hard and so lonely. Just remember that you are not alone.I have seen you cry even when you are not aware of it. Maybe it is me, more likely it is us, I get the impression that you speak to me from more deeply in your heart than has been your past habit. I feel we have a basic level of trust that makes many barriers superflous. Certainly there are not many one or two maybe - people to whom I would write to or speak to like this.
your friend douglas
a beautiful thing
Louis MacNiece, Valediction
"But I cannot deny my past to which myself is wed,
the woven figure cannot undo its thread."
choosing the correct plan
Bill: "we need two plans for the board"
Ben:"why, what exactly"
Bill:"we need a plan that works and a plan that doesn't work"
Ben:"sound do-able, but why two plans"
Bill:"so we know which one doesn't work"
Ben:"why don't we cut to the chase and just go with one plan, save waste of valuable resource"
Bill:"to risky, it might be the one that works"
Ben:"yes, I see, we need to know which plan is right for management"
those who forget
I have seen the lessons of history forgotten.
The present doesn't work.
The future is terrible.
al fresco
Walking in Lygon St with DD Wu (whose parents were among the denounced classes in the Cultural Revolution) and just enjoying the sights and smells of lunch world in the spring. Listening to DD who I haven't seen in 15 years. DD is talking about her book and and I am wondering how to get to a more personal conversation - DD is well, hot. And uncommitted. Anyway, there I am in some sort of feeling good place where existentialism doesn't get a gurnsey. Crunch. A froggy phone tone and a breathy voice. "Oh Hi Where are you I am in Lygon street and do you remember when I lost my gold ring" I don't dare turn round, she hasn't stopped talking since she answered the phone, maybe she is able to talk and listen at the same time. But no "It was spooky, I found it, you remember the jeans that I wearing the
the tight ones with the embroidery well it was really spooky I found the ring I didn't wear those jeans for a long time because they made my bum look big" I don't look round, think about how much more interesting DD is - she is now telling me how her dissertation involves a description of how the Peoples Republic is using antiquities to establish a cultural position in the world. This is interesting, I ask if she means as a communist state or a revamped Middle Kingdom. The Middle Kingdom: DD knows but is not completely accepting of my proposition and it seems she values my company enough to be kind. DD is a thoroughly modern chinese person from Shanghi and is a big believer in the 'economy'. Crunch "...spooky.." and I am lost in the crap going on behind me. Talk about an mosquito sized attention span, I just keep getting diverted from the important and intersting stuff. But no, it is the zombies day out and I am morbidly interested. "... did I tell you where I found it, when my diet worked I was going to wear those jeans again because I was going to a BBQ on the Yarra with Brad but they were dirty and I had to wash them and the ring was in the pocket. Spooky. I don't remember putting it there and it was really spooky" I was losing count of the spookies and DD dragged me into Universitas where she asked me if this was ok and if italian was OK with that look that says that you have been sprung not paying attention and I asked you twice. Woops. Didn't take my eyes or ears off her for the rest of lunch and made a good recovery. We shall see.
a blonde moment
And gather round kiddies to hear of a North Carlton/East Brunswick tragic
This morning, coming to work down Richardson St I was fortunate enough to witness a truly blonde moment:
A twenty-something blonde steps on to the footpath and pats herself down, arranging the black rucksack just so over the black string top and charcoal jeans (the new black).
She prances a little as she waits. I slow down, sensing a historic moment.
Her mate comes out, not so blonde, verging on the full celtic brunette, also wearing black and carrying a snappy little black rucksack. They walk to a car where the woman carrying the rucksack opens the back door, puts her rucksack on the back seat and gets into the front passenger seat. Her pal, the prancing blonde goes for the driver’s side, opens the driver’s door and tries to get in. She can't quite make it. Not a big car and the rucksack is in the way. Me - I have come to a complete stop by this time about two meters away from the spectacle. She gets out and leans over and struggles with the seat adjuster for a bit, either the seat is already right back or it is too tricky. She tries to get in. Sort a three quarter fit, can not shut the door when she tries. She goes for the steering height adjustment. Not quite enough. She gets out...
At this point the morning traffic is getting a bit toey about me just parked in the road so I have to move on, wondering. Did she take off the rucksack? Did she get her pal to drive?
I come from a complete family of ex-blondes (those cute children, etc) so that might explain some things. But our hair colour was natural and changed as we matured. Then (for me) it started moving to my ears eyebrows and nose.
follies of age
I must have had a body language bypass at some stage in the last few years. I am sure, in hindsight, that I am missing a lot of non-verbal invitations. And these are from women who seem to be interested in my company. mmmm - I guess I have been a bit dumb this way all my life. But for some reason I am more aware of the importance of relationships as I get older. I have always had a tendancy to isolate myself, to avoid truely intimate relationships. This is not the same thing as being unwilling to commit. Anyway I find myself in a strange headspace where questions like "should I get a dog or a tenant?" become important. I was telling Jane about this the other day and she just looked at me and said something like "why is that a choice?" I could only say that this enabled me to avoid doing either. Maybe I am the great prevaricator. mmmm wll have to change that.
I have recently become a non-smoker and maybe its just that after 40plus years of smoking that I am being affected by subtle withdrawal symptoms.
Until last week I was describing myself as having given up smoking but Mike put me straight. He said "don't set yourself up for failure, don't think of it as quitting, think of it as joining the non smokers. There are times when even a non smoker has a cigarette. Thats not recidivist, its just something that happens very occasionally."
It took me all of 10 seconds to realise the sense of all that. But I tell you that tonight has been bad for my weight.
the follies of youth
my daughter is on the other side of the world getting hammered much to often. She seems to be enjoying herself but I genuinely woory about her liver and her health in general. Still, the bright side is she is probably "to drunk to fcuk" as the Dead Kennedies sang.
